The Everyday Mystic

The scene: a hip and fashionable downtown restaurant. A high-ranking manager of a technology company and several of his team members are enjoying lunch together to celebrate the team’s recent achievement. As the conversation veers off onto casual topics, one of the employees excitedly explains about a new start-up company for which her cousin was named president, ending with, “Wouldn’t you just love to be in her shoes?” The boss turns to her and says, “You wouldn’t love that - you’d hate it. You wouldn’t be comfortable as an entrepreneur.” The conversation stops briefly as all heads turn to see how the employee would react to the boss’s cutting remark. “Hmmm,” said the employee slowly, “That’s an interesting observation.” The lunchtime chatter quickly turns to another topic.

Take nothing personally – this is easier said than done. The employee in the scenario described above was me, and the conversation took place many, many years ago. I wish I could say that I didn’t take the boss’s remark personally, but honestly, I did for a while. What I realize now is that the boss was speaking from his own perspective, emotions and needs. His opinion of my abilities was colored by his own “stuff”. 

Each of us views life through completely different lenses – it is as if we each wear a different pair of glasses that allow us to focus differently, to block out certain information and to interpret events in a singular way. We take in and process information through our unique lenses, which restricts us to acting solely out of our own perspective. These lenses are colored by our personalities and our talents, which were developed during our formative years. The lenses also reflect our current needs and our previous experiences, especially if they were negative, emotionally-charged events. The brain stores emotional memories so they can be accessed in a nanosecond, causing us to react in a knee-jerk fashion that has little to do with the present situation.

The boss’s words to his employee in the lunchtime conversation were filtered through his lens of needs, personality and emotional experiences. I cannot accurately guess what that lens was, but I know now that it was about him, not about me.

Now that I’m older and wiser, I would choose a different reaction to my boss’ words. Instead of turning his remark inward and taking it personally, I can now see that his remark is coming directly from his lens or perspective of the situation. Here are the steps that I would now take in this situation.

The “Take Nothing Personally” Process:

1. Stop the knee-jerk reaction: As with most processes, the first step is the most difficult but the most important. To stop a knee-jerk reaction requires a high level of self-awareness – in other words, we need to be aware of our reaction in the moment in order to stop it. Fortunately, we can learn to be aware of our reactions by habitually taking a breath before responding to every situation. Adopt a mental image of yourself as calm and serene in the midst of adversity, which will help you to pause when you are being triggered by someone’s remarks or actions.
2. Pause. The best way to keep from taking it personally is to redirect your mental energies from the emotional brain to the logical brain. Count to ten – backwards and in French! – is a great way to divert your mind to its analytical, rather than emotional, functions.
3. Say to yourself, “That’s one person’s opinion.” Remind yourself that the person is speaking or acting from a viewpoint that encompasses their emotional memories, needs and personality. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. Without judgment, you might try to imagine what might cause them act or speak as they did.
4. Take care of yourself. You might affirm yourself by saying, “I know I am a capable, intelligent person.” You might remember a time when you were completely happy or proud of yourself – we call this a “positive anchor”. You might call your partner, best friend or Mom and ask them for a pep talk – and bask in their love.

Taking nothing personally will lighten the emotional and spiritual burden you carry. It will also improve your interpersonal relationships. Imagine the possibilities of a frictionless, productive workplace created by a team that works under the motto of “Take nothing personally!” What a wonderful place that would be.

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When we sit in Buddhist meditation, we are taught to keep our back straight and our stomachs relaxed.  Keeping our spine straight helps us maintain our focus and clarity during meditation, and keeping our stomachs relaxed represents the need to develop compassion and loving-kindness in our daily practice.  Joan Halifax Roshi, Abbot of Upaya Zen Center, often speaks about "strong back, soft belly".  This is a powerful analogy for a spiritually intelligent life characterized by compassion, wisdom and courage.  Strong back reminds us to stand up and stand strong for those values we hold dear.  It is the inner courage we draw on when saying no to that which is unjust or not in our best interest. Saying no judiciously is the mark of a mature spiritual being. Soft belly reminds us to incorporate compassion in all our dealings. It is the acceptance we extend to both ourselves and others for our human foibles; it is the loving-kindness that we strive to incorporate in our personal relationships.

We can apply the concept of "strong back, soft belly" to both business and personal affairs.  A friend describes this approach in her business: "I always draw up a contract with my business partners to describe what I expect of them and what they can expect from me.  Once the contract is signed, I deal very compassionately with people, giving them lots of support and leeway to get their job done.  However, if partners do not hold up their end of the agreement, they experience my anger.  I hold them to their promises.  Often, these people are surprised by my fierceness because, most of the time, they have no reason to see that side of me."  This businessperson’s strong back is the contract she insists on and holds her partners accountable to; the contract allows her to exercise soft belly relations with the partners unless she must say no to a contract infringement.

In our personal lives, we incorporate "strong back, soft belly" by being both selfish and selfless in our relationships. We must be selfish by standing up for ourselves.  We do this by asking our family, friends and co-workers for the kind of treatment we desire from them and by drawing limits on  what we can personally give to others, knowing that we must fill our own well before we can give to others. Once we have established our strong back by loving ourselves enough to set these limits, we can be abundantly selfless and compassionate in our relationships.  Once the boundaries are set and the relationship’s vessel is created, we are free to lavish love on others. 

This principal can apply to raising children, in which the parent sets boundaries on the children’s behaviors and conduct. It’s similar to my friend drawing up contracts with all her partners in that the parent draws the limits on acceptable behavior.  In my parenting experience, enforcing the boundaries of acceptable behavior by applying the logical consequences for bad behavior enabled truly loving relationships with my children to flourish. 

Where can you apply the concept of strong back, soft belly in your everyday life?

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An athlete in training knows that periods of intense exercise must be followed by time for rest and recovery. The muscles are strengthened by this process of stress followed by rest, but muscles fail if they are strained for too long. Just like athlete’s muscles, our spirits and minds need periods of rest and recovery. I strongly advocate periodic breaks from the pounding daily routine of work and family responsibilities. The mind can recover by being exposed to new ideas in a different environment, but the spirit needs expansive, quiet time to rest and recover its zest.

Business conferences are good events for stimulating the mind. Going away from the daily work routine and hearing cutting-edge speakers and thinkers can be extraordinarily healing and inspiring to the mind.  The spirit, on the other hand, needs to periodically experience quiet times, enjoy nature and take time for contemplation in order to rejuvenate.

I am experiencing both types of events in the course of two weeks this summer. I just returned from a fast-paced business conference that was at once highly stimulating and physically tiring. During the time out of the office, I was able to think new thoughts, see my business from different perspectives and consider new possibilities. I came away inspired and charged up, ready to apply some of the newly discovered insights and tips. Next, I turn to a quiet retreat time to restore my spirit. I will spend four days on retreat at Upaya Zen Center in New Mexico.  During this time, I will meditate, journal, eat several meals in silence, enjoy the spirit-nourishing group activities and bathe my eyes and soul in beautiful mountain scenery.

It is so important that we give ourselves the gift of rejuvenation. We need daily, weekly, annual and once-in-a-lifetime rituals that feed our souls and spirits.

What are your plans for rejuvenating your mind and spirit?

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Habits of thought and habits of false beliefs can imprison us. Many times, we aren’t even aware of the habits, much less their sentence of imprisonment. Awareness of the habitual thoughts and false beliefs is the first step to freedom.  Sometimes, that’s all that’s needed.

In her book, The Secret Lives of Bees, author Sue Monk Kidd describes how the main character, Lily, is swarmed at night by bees that have set up residence in the walls of her bedroom. Lily captures the bees in a lidded mason jar and keeps them there for for several days.  When she opens the lid, she is surprised to discover that the bees are so accustomed to their captivity that they will not fly out of the jar, no matter how much she taps on or rotates the jar. The captive bees are an analogy for Lily’s life with an abusive father. Warned by the bee’s strange behavior, she escapes from her father to find a new life with a trio of beekeeping sisters in a distant town.

Too often, we are imprisoned by limiting thoughts and beliefs that restrain us from taking wing and reaching our full potential.  Do you hear an inner voice that says you aren’t good enough, or you have to work really hard to prove your worthiness, or you always have to do what you are told, or that you must please everyone or that you will never be smart/pretty/rich/thin enough?  These demon voices inside us imprison us like the bees in the mason jar.  Even when there is substantial evidence to the contrary, these false beliefs compel us to crawl around the inside of the jar, living small, closed-in lives.

Living big is all about recognizing the limitations of those false beliefs, taking the lid off the jar and flying free.

What do you want to do with your life but are afraid to try?  What would you do if success was a given? What is keeping you imprisoned in a jar?

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We do not often think of forgiveness as having anything to do with the workplace, but surprisingly, forgiveness is an essential practice of a highly effective work team. Thanks to recent psychological and medical research, we know that the act of forgiveness has many benefits to the individual. “People who are taught to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious, less stressed, more confident, and they learn to like themselves more.”¹ What manager would NOT want people who are less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, etc. on their team? For a team, the benefits of forgiveness can be multiplied by the number of people who work together. An atmosphere of forgiveness will improve the teamwork, productivity, spiritual integrity and creativity of a workgroup. When practiced by a whole division or company, forgiveness can mean increased profitability.

What do we mean by forgiveness?  Forgiveness is a process that we choose to take after we are wronged or hurt by another person. It does not happen automatically. Forgiveness takes a conscious effort - often, the amount of work needed to forgive is proportional to our perception of the gravity of the hurt. Forgiveness is a way to let go of the past so it doesn’t imprison you. We already know it is good for your health and good for your peace of mind. Lastly, forgiveness is a spiritual practice that we can use in the workplace. For step-by-step instructions on a personal forgiveness process, please visit a previous post called Seven Steps to Forgiveness.

To create an environment of forgiveness, a leader must start by establishing and communicating a purpose that is greater than just increased revenues or reduced costs. A compelling purpose for a team might highlight benefits to the customer and reference some of the higher values of customers and employees. For example, Mary Kay Corporation’s mission/purpose statement is "to enrich the lives of women". The leader of a team that practices forgiveness will be quick to spot conflict among members, and will coach the disputing parties to 1) air their grievances in a calm manner 2) look for the unmet needs of both parties and 3) look for mutually beneficial resolutions to the grievance - before the grievance has a chance to fester and gather emotional energy. A good leader will model forgiveness by personally following those steps toward resolution of a grievance.  A good leader will create an atmosphere in which both personal and team failures are seen as learning opportunities rather than causes for recrimination.

What happens when a team does not practice forgiveness? Unresolved grudges build up resentment to levels much higher than the seriousness of the original grievance. People stop talking to each other. Opposing camps are formed, and often if one person is seen talking to a person of the "other camp" they are labeled traitors. A colleague recently described such an atmosphere at her workplace. "It’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to go to work anymore," she lamented. "I try to be nice to everyone, but sometimes I’ll try to talk to a person from the other camp, and he completely ignores me.  He might refuse to perform job duties that are clearly expected of him just because he is working next to me." An unforgiving workplace is toxic, stressful, ineffective and non-productive. Absenteeism, health care costs and attrition all rise in an unforgiving environment - at great expense to the employer.

As leaders, it is our spiritual imperative to build forgiving organizations. A spiritually intelligent team is a team that learns to forgive. How can you contribute to the forgiveness quotient of your workplace?

¹ Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness, page 78.

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If you had to answer honestly, could you truly say that  you are present in the moment most of the time?  I think that most of us (I include myself, but I’m working on it!) are neither mindful nor fully present  for the majority of our waking moments.  Mindfulness is an important part of many spiritual practices, most notably Buddhism.  And for good reason - mindfulness keeps us from worrying about the future or fretting about the past.  By definition, the present moment is the point at which we live, so why not be fully aware and engaged in it! It is in the present moment that we are most alive and in connection with the Ground of our Being.

Being fully present in the moment is a decision that we can make any day.  It is perhaps best to start being present during less stressful times, so we can develop our mindfulness muscle, so to speak.  Then, that muscle will be strong enough to carry us through the rougher times.  I suggest that you practice mindfulness at home and on the way to work to get used to being in the moment.  Of course, you can and should practice mindfulness at any time - I’m just saying it’s easier to start when you are doing something with less emotional charge than a tense situation at work.

Being mindful is simple and yet difficult.  It is focusing your mind on exactly what you are doing in that moment.  The Buddhists say, "Chop wood, carry water." So when you chop wood (or brush your teeth, drive a car, load the dishwasher, etc.) you do only that - you don’t also mentally plan for tomorrow’s presentation at the board meeting.  What we are trying to do is train our brain to focus and be aware of what you are doing in the moment, which increases your calmness, equanimity and focus.

Independence Day in the US was two days ago, and I prepared a rather large feast for my family and some friends who came to dinner for the holiday.  I heartily enjoy entertaining but have less fondness for cooking, so I confine my culinary endeavors to major holidays and parties that we throw. This time, I made the decision early in the morning that July 4th would be a mindfulness day for me.  As I chopped vegetables, I was fully present to the rhythmic sound of my knife cutting the carrots, to the sight of the onion slices lined up like soldiers on my cutting board, to the smell of the vegetables releasing their aroma as I cut them.  And then, I noticed my hands, scooping up the sliced vegetables and putting them in the bowl.  Suddenly fascinated with how hands work, I admired and appreciated them as they did their amazing job, prehensile thumb and all. My mind would wander to worrying about this or that, then I would notice and gently bring my awareness back to what I was doing.  I found that by the end of the day, I was feeling happy and fulfilled, not tired and resentful as I usually feel after spending the day in the kitchen.

I think that you, too, will discover the benefits of mindfulness.  You will be less tired, happier and more energetic for the next moment that comes. So, how can you build mindfulness moments into your day? 

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Have you ever attended an all-day meeting or had back-to-back meetings from morning to night? Ever wonder how you can keep a sense of balance or a connection to the All-That-Is during a day in which there is no time for contemplation or even much of a break? The business world demands much of us, with schedules that tax the mind and soul at times  A psychologist friend once remarked to me, "I’m amazed at how little time executives and managers have for thinking and deliberation." We get used to thinking on our feet, making quick decisions while running from meeting to meeting.

So what can an Everyday Mystic do to reconnect with Source energy during a busy, stressful day?  There are several easy, quick methods that can help you feel centered, energized and focused.  Try these:

1. Breathe.  When we get stressed, we have a tendency to breathe shallowly and from our chest only. No one will notice if you consciously remember to take a deep, belly breath during a meeting. The deep breath will prevent tension from accumulating in your body, clear your mind and enhance your concentration.
2. Breathe through your heartspace. Imagine opening your heart and breathing through that part of your body. Your heart has neurons (brain cells) in it, just like your brain, and when you focus on your heart, you invoke the heart’s intelligence and intuition. Your decision-making abilities will be enhanced. You can do this exercise as you listen to someone speaking - it can be something you do in the background of your focus.  Thank goodness for our minds, that can process information at a rate 4 times faster than a human can talk!
3. Optimize your restroom breaks. Ah, a moment alone in the restroom stall! Take advantage of your private time and breathe consciously and fully. Observe your breath through 5 inhalations and exhalations. Be in the moment, be in your body. You will return to the meeting refreshed.
4. Wash your hands mindfully. Also in the restroom, ceremonially wash your hands. Wash off any negative energy, emotions or judgments you may have accumulated. Watch them swirl away down the drain, leaving your hands and your psyche clean and fresh, ready to return to your activities with a clear mind and an open heart. While drying your hands, appreciate your hands and all they do - type, write, shake other people’s hands, make gestures.
5. Conduct a body scan for emotions. To make sure you are aware of your emotions, and therefore can manage them effectively, periodically scan your body for emotions. Start at the top of your head and move down your entire body, looking for areas of tension, heat, tingles or stress. You can do this in a blink of an eye - during a lull in the conversation, for example. If you find an problem area, consciously relax it and try to determine what emotion it represents. Typically, nervousness or fear show up in your solar plexus or stomach, anger appears in your upper back and shoulders, tension and anxiety manifest in your head, and sadness and grief appear in your throat and neck area. Awareness of your feelings allows you to manage them. If you feel angry or threatened, you might breathe into your heartspace (see above) and be prepared to choose your behavior, rather than react without consideration.
6. Mentally bless the food before you eat. Even during the most insane day, most of us catch a moment to eat something. During all-day meetings, lunch is often catered in. Before taking a bite, lower your eyes for just a moment and give silent thanks for the meal you are about to eat. Silently recite your favorite meal-time grace. This will embed a moment of reverence in your day and ground you for the next segment.

It is possible to keep your sense of balance during an insane day. Other than the desire to stay centered, it only takes a moment here and there to reconnect to the deep calm that is always within you.

Do you have favorite ways to stay in-the-moment during a busy day? Please post a comment here and share them with us. Blessings to you on your journey.

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