Kristin was recently featured on WSRadio by Debbie Alan, host of “On the Home Stretch” radio show. Debbie interviewed Kristin on the topic of forgiveness. You can hear a recording of the show at http://www.wsradio.com/player/wsradio-player2.cfm/type/windows/show/On-The-HomeStretch/segment/27972.html
An important step in forgiving someone is deciding what, if any, action to take after you’ve forgiven. In my book, A Forgiveness Journal, I propose seven steps to achieving forgiveness. The sixth step is Take Action. Note that it is the penultimate step, positioned after you’ve been able to achieve some measure of forgiveness. The action you take is always going to be a more effective, more loving decision if you can act with the clarity of heart and mind that forgiveness affords.
Remember, forgiveness is the attainment of a feeling of peace and compassion toward the person who hurt you. If forgiveness is an uncomfortable term for you, you might try to frame it as acceptance of what happened.
When women ask me what to do about a spouse or partner who has been unfaithful to them, I always recommend attempting to forgive before deciding on whether to separate or divorce.
In the case of infidelity, the decision to leave or stay in the marriage should be based on many elements in the relationship, including past history in the relationship (Has the husband been violent or abusive? Is this the first instance of infidelity in the marriage?) and the presence of children. However, the decision you make will be a better one if you can forgive, even in part, before making it.
Jenny Sanford, wife of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, is a good example of forgiving her husband, who publicly admitted to having an extra-marital affair, and taking decisive action. She has made it clear that, even though she has forgiven him his indiscretion, it is up to the governor to re-build the trust in their marriage. Last month, she moved out of the governor’s mansion in Columbia, SC with her three young sons, citing the need for separation from her husband and less public scrutiny of her sons. She has left the door open for reconciliation and yet took decisive action.
Whether you have an unfaithful spouse to forgive, a toxic boss, an alcoholic or abusive parent or family member, remember that forgiving that person first will give you power - the power to make a clear decision about your actions.
Stay tuned for more in this series of posts on taking action after forgiving.
Global Forgiveness Day is Thursday, August 27, 2009. Started by CECA, the Christian Embassy of Christ’s Ambassadors, a non-profit organization in Canada, this day is set aside to promote the healing power of forgiveness. Here are a few things that you can do to celebrate this day:
May you be blessed on Global Forgiveness Day!
Forgiveness may seem like it’s hard to do. Human beings have a tendency to remain in a state of un-forgiveness for many reasons. You could hold onto grievance stories because you think that you are punishing the other person by doing so. (News flash: You are only hurting yourself by holding onto your anger.) Or, you might think that clutching your anger to your chest like a precious package will protect you from further, similar hurts. (Sadly, that only makes you miserable.) Or perhaps you have built an identity around the wound that you suffered and to let go of that memory might make your self-concept crumble. (In this case, you need an updated self-concept to be joyful and happy.) Whenever you choose to hold onto past grievances, you hold yourself back from the freedom, joy and happiness that accompanies true forgiveness.
I often suggest to my students and clients that they choose a small- to medium-sized grievance to practice the forgiveness process. That way, you get positive reinforcement for the process, build up your forgiveness muscle and stamina until you are ready to work through a big grievance story. Most importantly, you get a taste of the sweetness that forgiveness provides.
Human beings are strongly motivated by the wish to avoid pain and only secondarily by the wish to seek pleasure. I see this principle at work in my life. My first inspiration to research and attempt forgiveness was to free myself from a black hole of anger, regrets and bitterness I fell into because of a very hurtful event in my life. I carried that burden inside me for months, wallowing in regrets, bitterness and deep anger until I thought it was going to crush me. “There’s got to be a better way to live,” I told myself. And that’s when I developed my own, seven-step process to forgive.
I am no saint! I still get angry, hold grudges, judge people, speak with words I regret later, etc. However, I find that through my personal work with forgiveness that I am now attracted to the pleasure I get from forgiving. That sweet freedom beckons me from behind the dark curtain of resentment that I feel occasionally, reminding me that forgiveness really feels GOOD. I now no longer avoid pain so much as I look forward to the joy, peace and compassion that I feel when I forgive.
Forgiveness can happen spontaneously for some, but for most of us, it is a choice. Consider forgiveness to release yourself from the pain of anger, resentment, bitterness and hatred so you can feel the joy of peace, joy and compassion!
I am so excited about the first annual Telesummit on Forgiveness and Emotional Release that starts tomorrow! If you haven’t already registered to participate in this seven-day, complimentary event, please visit www.aforgivenessjournal.com/telesummit2009 to read more about the amazing guests I assembled to teach and inspire you to seek more forgiveness in your life! You will be blessed by this event.
Are you holding on to past hurts and anger as if it were some sort of badge of honor?
Stop that!
“When you hold resentment toward another,” says Catherine Ponder, “you are bound to that
person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
Now, I know that it can sometimes be hard to forgive. That’s why I wrote the book about how to forgive, called A Forgiveness Journal: Letting Go of the Past. And that’s why I want to invite you to attend this special telesummit that I am hosting and speaking at.
It’s called the Forgiveness and Emotional Release Telesummit. I have assembled a group of 7 experts on forgiveness who share their illuminating insights in interviews that will inspire and touch you! Best of all, it available to anyone who wants to attend for FR*EE!
This complimentary telesummit starts THIS SATURDAY, August 1, and extends through
Friday, August 7. Act now to register for this life-changing online experience!
http://www.aforgivenessjournal.com/telesummit2009/
Better yet, you won’t even have to leave your home — nor rearrange your schedule — to participate! Each recording will be posted and available for you to listen to via online streaming audio for 24 hours. All you’ll need to hear each session is a computer with access to the Internet and some speakers.
Won’t you join me?
Blessings,
Kristin Robertson
PS: Remember, you’ll have a full 24 hours to listen to and replay each and every presentation … and it’s all F*R*E*E!
http://www.aforgivenessjournal.com/telesummit2009/
It’s normal to get angry or feel bad when someone does something that hurts you. However, letting anger, resentment and bitterness accumulate inside you is detrimental to your physical, emotional and spiritual health. We know that learning to forgive eases stress, improves health and makes you happier. Here is a “quick win” method to forgive the every day events that you interpret as a grievance against you:
Stop the anger and bitterness before they have a chance to put a vise-grip on your heart. Use the quick win method and forgive faster!
Want more forgiveness? Register for Kristin’s FREE Forgiveness and Emotional Release Telesummit that starts this Saturday, August 1! Hear 7 days of interviews with experts on forgiveness - at no cost! Register today to attend from the comfort of your office or home, and on your schedule at www.aforgivenessjournal.com/telesummit2009
When you experience a potentially hurtful event, you put the experience through your personal mental filters and interpret it accordingly. This is the second step in creating a grievance story - interpreting the event. The event itself is neither bad nor good, but your thinking makes it so. And, as soon as you interpret the event as bad, you have laid the first brick in building a big, hairy grievance story, which will require the effort of forgiveness to de-construct. Therefore, it is important to challenge your interpretation and don’t believe everything you think at first. You will save yourself the energy of building a grievance story and subsequently having to forgive.
The first instinct you probably experience after a potentially hurtful incident is self-defense. You defend yourself against your alleged attacker and make yourself the hero and the other person the villain. This reaction is terribly human but doesn’t produce the greatest long-term happiness and inner peace. In fact, it just makes you angry, resentful and bitter, which are heavy emotional loads that tire you out and make you grumpy.
Challenge your interpretation. Hold a debate with yourself and argue another point of view. Make a game of conjuring up alternative stories about the situation.
For example, your brother/friend/boss/co-worker (substitute your favorite adversary) does something you think is extremely stupid and inconsiderate, prompting you to get mad and say so. Your first reaction is to defend yourself, labeling the other person the jerk and yourself the angel. Sure, you can fan the flames of that story and create a big bonfire of a grievance story, but you’ll be the one that gets burned. Instead, try to take another perspective and find a different interpretation.
Of course, if the other person did something unethical or illegal, you should not thwart the natural consequences of that person’s behavior. What we’re talking about here is the inside game - the benefit to yourself to consider other interpretations of what happened.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to re-frame the situation, gain a new perspective and stop building a grievance story:
Don’t believe everything you think! Challenge your self-defensive thoughts the next time you are aggrieved and make up a new story. By expanding your perspective of the situation, you can avoid the need for forgiveness and find more happiness.
On Sunday, July 26, from 12:00 to 4:00 p.m. in the Community room, Kristin Robertson will offer a 4-hour experiential seminar called How to Forgive Anyone…Including Yourself. In this seminar, Kristin teaches a seven-step forgiveness process that will set you free from anger, resentment, and regrets. She also presents two variations on the seven-step process: a Quick Win forgiveness practice and the essential practice of self-forgiveness. A suggested love offering of $35 covers the seminar and a comprehensive student manual.
Kristin Robertson is preaching on the topic, Forgiveness is Freedom, at the 10:00 worship service.
All are welcome to either event.
A light lunch is being offered at the church by Wellness Gourmet at 11:15, and a love offering of $6 is suggested to cover meal costs.
Sunday, July 26, 12:00-4:00
Pathways Church, 525 S. Nolen Street, Suite 300, Southlake, TX 76092 (map)
$35 Suggested Love Offering
To register, please send Kristin a communication here.
I’m tickled pink to be able to share my new YouTube video with you! Enjoy!
With the Forgiveness and Emotional Release Telesummit coming up the first week in August, some of my guest speakers are jumping in on the Virtual Book Tour.
Pamela Bruner, a Success Coach, Certified Firewalk Instructor, and Certified EFT Practitioner, helps coaches, consultants and healing practitioners create thriving businesses to better serve the world. Last week she included an article of mine in her ezine and posted a review of A Forgiveness Journal on her blog. For the telesummit, she’ll be talking about how EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) can help you with forgiveness.
Marilyn Foreman, a parenting facilitator, teacher, speaker, and author of KidBits: Inspiration for Parents, advocated A Forgiveness Journal as a useful tool in creating better parent/child relationships on her blog, Thoughts from Marilyn. She will be talking with me about Forgiveness and the Parent/Child Relationship during the Telesummit.
